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Try to find water. The best places to look are: near green vegetation, at the base of rock cliffs, in the gravel wash from mountain valleys, in a refrigerator or flowing from the faucet of a sink.

Rinse the stained area with water or club soda (if available). Apply a neutral detergent. Blot. Apply an acid such as vinegar or a rinse agent. Apply an ammonia solution. Blot.

If this strategy does not work, start a signal fire using dry grass, bark or leaves.
Feed it first with kindling and then use larger pieces of dead wood. Place the carpet on the fire.

Worst-Case Scenarios:
Red wine stain
Mispronouncing "nuclear"
Karaoke office party
Marriage to Billy Bob Thornton
Haggis or blood pudding
Party full of former lovers
Front row at Disney's "Aida"
Your life on "Sex in the City"
Starring in "The Avengers"

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Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.