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Keep your head down. Do not make any sudden moves that could call attention to yourself. Speak as quietly as possible.

Do not be a hero. Let Sean Connery absorb most of the impact – that's what he's there for.

Back away from the film with a slow, unhurried motion.
Speak steadily and soothingly to the critics. When their attention is distracted by "Odd Couple II," run to safety.

Worst-Case Scenarios:
Red wine stain
Mispronouncing "nuclear"
Karaoke office party
Marriage to Billy Bob Thornton
Haggis or blood pudding
Party full of former lovers
Front row at Disney's "Aida"
Your life on "Sex in the City"
Starring in "The Avengers"

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All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.