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If you use the word "nuclear" and then find yourself facing accusations of mispronunciation, it is best to attack at once. Using whatever you have with you—a stick, a camera, a harpoon gun, or your fist—make quick, sharp, repeated jabs at your opponent's face.

Break free and run through bushes or high weeds, which will give some cover.

Do not use the words "espresso," "homage" or "Pinochet" for at least 24 hours after the incident.


Stay where you are. Try to keep desks, chairs and other people between you and the karaoke area.

Assume a fixed embarrassed grin.

If you see other people off in the distance, try to signal them using flares, a smoky fire or the international distress symbol (rolling eyes and grimacing).

If anyone sings "My Heart Will Go On," get under a desk or table and curl up in the fetal position.

Worst-Case Scenarios:
Red wine stain
Mispronouncing "nuclear"
Karaoke office party
Marriage to Billy Bob Thornton
Haggis or blood pudding
Party full of former lovers
Front row at Disney's "Aida"
Your life on "Sex in the City"
Starring in "The Avengers"

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Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.