Survivor Spoilsports

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COMING UP ON EPISODE SEVEN
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With the merger looming, Kucha struggles to deal with the loss of Michael, whose accident in the previous episode has left the tribe with psychological scars deeper than the physical ones on his hands, if not quite as gruesome. "On top of everything, now there's these little bits of charred flesh floating in the river. I won't even go near it anymore," says Elisabeth, who is starting to smell as bad as Kimmi. Not everyone is so upset, however. Shortly after Michael is evacuated a wild pig dances over and triumphantly rubs the gore from Michael's hands on its snout.

Michael's accident drives the rest of Kucha to substance abuse. "We gotta score some more of this 'Kucha Corn,' says a desperate Jeff, swallowing large handfuls of chicken feed. "The more I eat it, the better it gets!" But while Alicia is rubbing her eight nipples in pleasure, tragedy strikes again! Eduardo, strung out on Kucha Corn, announces that he wants to "be with Michael" and intentionally inhales a lungful of smoke and passes out into the fire. Instantly, the "Survivor "crew is on the scene again, including Mark Burnett, who quietly slips a hundred bucks into Eduardo's rapidly swelling hands. As they did with Michael just the day before, the medical team administers painkillers and a green plastic kazoo ("It's actually a pocket didgeridoo," Burnett says).

As Eduardo is loaded into the helicopter he shares a final touching moment with his teammates."I love you guys," he tells the weeping tribe. "I can't see Rodger... I can't see Elisabeth... Now I can't see Elisabeth's ass. Could you turn around?" Losing consciousness, Eduardo grabs Rodger's hand and whispers, "The needs of the many... outweigh the needs of the few... or the one." Later, Rodger leads the remaining tribe members in a prayer, asking God to grant Eduardo and his doctors strength, wisdom, dexterity, charisma and plus five armor class.

Meanwhile, Ogakor continues to obsess about food. Jerri fantasizes about pouring chocolate over Colby's body, while everybody else fantasizes about pouring honey over Jerri's body and strapping her to a hill of fire ants. Keith continues to complain about the fried green tomatoes, calling Jessica Tandy's performance "mannered" and "overrated," and he and Jerri argue until Tina threatens to give them both time outs and take away their "Rugrats" privileges. Jerri and Amber go back to moaning orgasmically about chocolate until Mark Burnett arrives and slips them both hundred dollar bills and a new script. "Mmmm!" moans Jerri, "Did you know Doritos brand chips release the same endorphins as sex?" "Oooo yeah!" adds Amber."Do the Dew!"

Finally it's time to merge, and Ogakor makes the trek over to the Kucha camp, but not before forcing Jerri to inhale smoke and pushing her into the fire, saying, "Voting off's too good for you, bitch."