Survivor Spoilsports

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COMING UP ON EPISODE NINE
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We won’t see an all-new episode until March 29, but we have some information on what’s going to happen, and it’s scarier than Colby’s eyes in a night-vision camera.

The overriding theme of the episode is—brace yourself—food. Rodger’s continuing fishing streak is so impressive that the others begin to wonder what he’s using for bait. Jerri thinks beef jerky and Nick suspects charred bits of Mike’s flesh, but Rodger confides that he simply has a rare ability to coax fish onto the hook with his charming Kentucky twang. He is a fish whisperer. Chef Keith takes Rodger’s catch and, using a special, professional-chef cooking technique, prepares an entr»e he calls poissons aux feu. Before they eat, Rodger leads the tribe in a prayer to thank God for making Mike their leader.

Other meals do not go nearly as well, however, as Elisabeth has difficulty cooking rice properly. "Basically, it has to be cooked to Jerri’s specification," she complains. "It has to be stirred a certain number of times. The lid has to be on. You have to add eye of newt and toe of frog." Keith concurs: "I have never been this stressed, and I’ve cooked for two presidents!" When asked which ones, Keith answers, "Lincoln and Washington. We do a $6 early bird special every Thursday." Meanwhile, Jerri seems blissfully unaware of people’s feelings about her and she continues her favorite leisure activity of menacingly swinging a hatchet.

At the reward challenge, Jeff Probst tells contestants that having mastered the most popular weapon in Australia, the boomerang, they will now try the second most popular weapon in Australia: sarcasm. Unfortunately, Jeff Varner is no longer on the show and the remaining players are unable to muster anything even remotely clever, so they move on to the third most popular weapon in Australia: the Glock 9mm handgun. Rodger goes first and shoots a fish at 50 paces. Then everybody fires simultaneously at Jerri, but Jerri wins by controlling the magnetic force with her mind and causing the bullets turn on the people who fired them. It’s very cool. Then she tells Colby she wants a big hug and a massage. In chocolate. Her reward is a fancy meal of smoked salmon, shrimp and wine but she is unable to enjoy it as it was not prepared properly.

When the time comes for Tribal Council, a sudden thunderstorm breaks out. "This happens every time," says Keith. "I don't know what that means, but there is some stronger power out there than we are aware of." "What did you say?" asks Eduardo. "I can’t hear you over these machines.