Shop the MH Superstore!

The alligator in the opening montage? Her cousin is a good friend of one of our interns. That’s just one of our sources for the exclusive "Survivor" spoilers we’ll be presenting in this space every week. The really juicy stuff is written in hidden text, so you won’t accidentally learn anything you can’t handle. The really, really juicy stuff is written in hidden text and rebus form.

. . .


Use your cursor to highlight the hidden text below.

In the next episode of "Survivor," conditions become nearly unbearable as the remaining contestants suffer bad weather, lack of food and the realization that they will still need to see Jerri every three days at Tribal Council. Over a dinner of Chef Keith’s famous soggy rice in Cajun dirt reduction, Colby reminisces about his date with Jerri at the Barrier Reef, and though he admits that he probably shouldn’t have had so much champagne, he describes the trip as "basically the perfect honeymoon without the sex, the mutual attraction of any sort or the existence of a soul within the bride." Amber says she wants details. Then Nick says he doesn’t want details. Then everyone reminisces about Jeff Varner, who had a subscription to Details.

It turns out that really getting rid of Jerri takes more than just dropping a house on her , and her presence continues to be felt at the Barramundi tribe. At one point, Tina is shocked to see Jerri sunning herself on the opposite shore. Her screams of fear are eventually quieted down as Elisabeth convinces her that it’s actually only a vicious, man-eating crocodile. Though less terrifying than facing Jerri again, concerns about a slow death of starvation and dehydration also weigh on the contestants’ minds. The food stores are dwindling, and the only thing to drink is a murky, slimy supply of Mountain Dew and Bud Light. As seen in the previews, Jeff Probst arrives with a dramatic, ratings-generating solution in the form of a Uruguayan soccer team. Nick’s enlarged taste buds begin to salivate.

In Tribal Council,
as Jeff Probst shows the jury in, Jerri says she has a few things left to get off her chest. Jeff explains that the Jury is supposed to remain silent, but Jerri snaps, "When did this game start having rules?" Jerri then tells everyone, "I’ve got a tender side too, as Colby knows from helping me over the wall in the obstacle course. And speaking of Colby, there are some things that I’d really like to suck back in with my powerful, vacuum-like lips."

Finally, it’s time to vote. Amber votes for
Elisabeth, telling the camera, "It’s only because I made a word with my tribe. It was ‘embossed’ on a triple-word score, which is, like, 37 points." Everybody else, however, remembers how good it felt to vote off Jerri the previous week, so they decide to do it again. "Checkmate!" declares Jerri when the votes are counted. "Yahtzee!" she continues. "Pretty sneaky, sis! You sunk my battleship! Knock his block off! Light Brite, making things with liiiight…." And so on until Mark Burnett promises her a million dollars to just go away once and for all.


—Daniel Radosh

. . .

Previous Spoilers:
Episode 8
Episode 7
Episode 6
Episode 5
Episode 4
Episode 3
Episode 2
Episode 1

More humor about television

Copyright 2011 Modern Humorist, Inc.
All Rights Reserved.
Modern Humorist is not intended for readers under 18 years of age.