Survivor Spoilsports

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COMING UP ON EPISODE TWELVE
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It’s down to the final five: Keith, Tina, Colby, Elisabeth, Rodger and Eduardo.

Drama, energy and eccentricity are all out in force in the next episode. Eventually, though, Mark Burnett has to turn the cameras away from the kangaroos, and then things are back to normal. As the tribe wakes to another soggy day, they attempt to shake off the zombielike stupor enough to assess their situations. “Now that we’re free of the overwhelming personalities of Amber and Nick, I feel it’s finally my turn to blossom,” confides Eduardo. To which Tina replies, “That’s weird, I thought I heard somebody talking.”

The latest shift in allegiances leaves Colby particularly adrift. Having been so close to scoring with Amber, he is now forced to shine his halogen teeth in the direction of Elisabeth. Seducing the footwear designer is not easy, as Elisabeth is conserving energy for the most important task at hand: whining about stuff. “Survivor is very real, right now,” she declares in the wake of last episode’s devastating flood. “It’s drastically primal. Sure we managed to save the rice, but my immunity headgear is gone for good!” Rodger chimes in: “There’s no way we’ll be able to explain what we’re going through to anyone who’s not here. If only there was some kind of magical cathode-ray device that could transmit images so they could see for themselves!”

Despite the setbacks, Barramundi pulls together to build a new shelter, this time on the top of the ridge. “I’m finished listening to those foolish females,” explains Rodger. Unfortunately, the new lodging is only up for ten minutes before it is incinerated by a bolt of lightning. “That came through like a… flurry!” exclaims Keith. “There’s just no other way to describe it. Especially if you’re woefully inarticulate.” Jeff Probst arrives and offers new shelter materials in exchange for the tribe’s remaining rice, but Keith proposes a better idea for coping with the loss.

The reward challenge is a deadly serious contest involving shooting salad forks with cashew nuts, and Colby walks away with his most desired prize yet: a dream date with Colby Donaldson. Chaperoned by Jeff Probst. “I’m gonna down this,” Jeff says, guzzling a Bud Light. “I’ve had seven so far, which is almost enough to feel the alcohol.”

“You know, all this Bud Light and Doritos is making me shit my brains out,” Colby says, while back in the USA, the marketing execs who authorized $14 million for product placement clean out their desks.

Colby returns to find that in his absence, the rest of the tribe has been audited by the IRS. Colby feels pretty confident going into the immunity challenge — scrambling out of the river onto a steep bank — but he is defeated by a plucky ’roo. At tribal council there are two votes for Nick, two for Amber and one for Mitchell, and nothing Jeff Probst says is able to convince anyone that these people have actually been off the show for some time already.